


If Tomorrow Never Comes

by SomeLikeItHot88



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 18:42:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5386376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLikeItHot88/pseuds/SomeLikeItHot88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm getting married." These three words resonated in her mind over and over again in every waking moment, while in the darkness of the night, they haunted her very being with tormented dreams in which she drowned in her own misery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If Tomorrow Never Comes

**Author's Note:**

> This is so not beta-ed, (like all my fics) Hope the mistakes do not impede on the work :/ I found this on my laptop and decided to continue writing it. I really need to stick to one shots coz I hate having numerous WIP but what the hell.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

You will be the clouds

And I will be the sky

You will be the ocean

And I will be the shore

You will be the trees

And I will be the wind

Whatever I am,

Wherever you are,

We will always collide

"I'm getting married."

These three words resonated in her mind over and over again in every waking moment, while in the darkness of the night, they haunted her very being with tormented dreams in which she drowned in her own misery.

"How could he?" It was a question she asked herself just as often but she reasoned that she held no claim to him anymore. He told her to fly- to find stability and happiness once again after years of running and hiding and so she had gone in search of this so called happiness, only to find that it wasn't a place- but a person in which she derived happiness from. By that time, it was too late- only six months of separation and he had already found someone, fallen in love with them and now he was getting married. It was a hard pill to swallow, a feeling so unsettling and disturbing that the weight of it knocked the wind right out of her.

She wonders if he heard the gasp that escaped her lips or the tremor in her voice when she repeated his statement. Could he feel the weight of the pain she carried within? Would he be able to see sadness behind her smile or the tears she had to fight so hard from falling? How would she be able to face him and his new wife and pretend that she was happy for him when she had never felt more miserable in her life?

There are so many questions that keep floating around in her head, she keeps replaying conversations and dissecting the meanings hidden between the lines, she constantly wonders if her eyes deceived her, if she really saw those longing gazes or read too much into the tender touches and embraces.

He had once behaved like a schoolboy in her presence, when she re-affirmed to him that he was indeed her sin-eater. The hesitation laced in his demeanor and the tremor in his hand while he reached over to caress up her thigh before grasping his larger hand into her smaller one had left a lasting impact on her characterization of the usually infallible man. She felt the tides change between the two of them that day, a accumulation of a better understanding interlaced with two years of suppressed emotions and underlying feelings that were free to roam and finally be acknowledged.

She watched as he slowly lost himself in self-deprecation and guilt until she thought he viewed her not as his second chance but as the person who would finally break him. She was not prepared for the reversal of roles and she was surely not strong enough to not break under his cold demeanor and aching sense of failure and defeat. She had to push and pull his way through the darkness until he could finally see a semblance of light through the cracks, and even then- he left her with nothing.

/

He stood in front of her with his lips curved into a tight smile that contradicted the emotions that she could clearly see penetrating from his eyes. "You pick the place, Lizzie," He had said to her, "Anywhere in the world and I will make it happen for you."

Lizzie starred back at him helplessly, emotions so raw and unrefined gracing her features as she registered the inclination of his words. "-And you?" The crack in her voice echoed across the walls and resonated between the two of them. "You mean, you'll make it happen for us, right?" Her eyes bore holes into his and held him in place and unable to coward away.

She watched as his jaw clenched and unclenched, watched as his hands dug into the pockets of his slacks- watched the tick in his eye come into play.

"You're finally free, Lizzie. You're able to walk the streets without fear and live a life of solace and gratification wherever you so choose, my job is done-"

"Job?" She interjects helplessly with creases lining her forehead. "Job?" Lizzie questions again with a loud bite in her tone as all the blood drains from her face. "So that's all this has been for you? A job? An obligation? A debt you paid and now that it's all done and over with we part ways?" Though in the face of his rejection she tries for composure, she cannot quail the trembling of her bottom lip or blink back the pooling of moisture that glazes over her eyelashes.

Red sighs deeply, his shoulders slouching and he looks away from her for a beat. She watches as he fights a losing battle within himself- she can practically hear the cogs turning in his head.

Finally he looks back at her, the moon is full and illuminates his features against the darkness of the night. The sleeves of his dress shirt are rolled up to his elbows and she watches the veins of his forearms protrude while the dark curls of his chest peak through the first couple buttons left undone. He has never looked so content and at ease as the past two weeks, clearing her name and finally being free to roam the ends of the earth unafraid have taken away the unbearable guilt and sadness that followed him like a dark cloud. He looked ten years younger and that much more enticing.

He sniffles diversely before finally speaking, "You were not-, Are not a job for me, Elizabeth. You might have been my chance at redemption but you were never a burden or duty. You were my second chance at righting a wrong but don't ever underestimate the power you have over me or the vulnerability that your mere presence casts on my piece of mind- You're my greatest weakness and my biggest success; you make my existence that much more bearable, I can live with myself and its all because of you."

"Then why are you suggesting we part ways?" Her vision is slightly blurred from the tears that start to slowly fall down her cheeks. A heaviness takes place in her heart as she tries to dissect every word and distinguish his real reasoning from his divertive words.

Red retrieves his hands from deep inside his pockets and moves to sit on a sofa adjacent to where Lizzie stood and motions for her to sit beside him.

It's in these moments that he wishes he could be candid and truthful, for a second he lets his mind drift to a different scenario. One in which he declared his love and devotion for her and poured all his feelings and emotions in a kiss before whisking her away to a life in which she woke up next to him every morning and withered beneath him every night.

She watches a faint smile curve at the corners of his lips and a faraway look glaze over his eyes. She wishes she could know what goes on in his mind.

"Everything I cannot have. And everything I have ever wanted. What a beautiful contradiction you are."

She wants to ask what he's thinking and the words are ready to leave her lips-

"I have reeked havoc on your life, since you were four years old. You had no choice, your life was put into the palm of my hands and I did the best I could to provide you with the best upbringing I could muster; that's why I bought you to Sam. I tried in vain to erase all I'd taken from you with materialistic necessities, it almost felt like I was trying to buy your love but I promise I wasn't; I just wanted to make your life as easy as possible."

She watches him take a deep breath before hesitantly reaching over to clasp her hand. As soon as his skin makes contact with hers, she wastes no time in entwining their fingers.

"Because of me you never truly lived- everything about your life was a lie; I want you to have the opportunity to live, Lizzie. I want you to find someone who isn't hired to be the perfect man for you, I want you to fall in love with a man who doesn't have to work so hard to be everything you deserve. I want you to find purpose in your life, find a job you love and make a career for your self. I want to see you happy; I want you to search and find what makes you happy." His voice sounds strained with emotion, so deep and hoarse; like a tiger mellowed out on expensive brandy.

"You make me happy," "You're the perfect man for me," "I want you to be my future." She wants so badly to say but she's hypnotized by the sight of their joined hands, enthralled by the way his thumb runs smooth circles over her palm and intoxicated by his closeness; the smell of his aftershave mixed with the faint hint of cigar that lingers on his breath.

"There are so many things I want you to have, to experience, to feel and to see and I don't want to stand in your way; I want to see you fly."

He looks up to catch her gaze but instead finds her musing at their hands. She doesn't say anything and even though his lovesick eyes can infer a thousands different thoughts running through her mind; her silence speaks volumes and he will not- cannot be the one to make the first move. If she is scared of her feelings or unable to articulate them, then she isn't ready to admit them to him- to anyone.

"I don't think you could move on if I'm still in the picture, and I know that I couldn't-" He cuts off for a moment before letting out a ragged breath and choosing not to elaborate on his statement. " She's too young and he's far too old to play these games.

"What about you? Where will you go?" She finally asks.

"Here and there, and everywhere." He chuckles lightly, trying to lighten the mood. "I'm not getting any younger, its time to search for permanence- somewhere to retire to. But I will always be watching you in the shadows, I will always be there for you when you are in need and I would still very much like to remain in contact; I'd like for you to keep me up to date- keep in touch with each other."

He wants to say, I love you

But keeps it to goodnight

Because love will mean some falling

And she's afraid of heights

Later when it was finally time to part ways- she wanted so badly to fall apart in his arms and cling to him like he was her lifeline. But she stayed strong for him because he stood well composed even though all his ticks were erratic and in full force. So she waited until she boarded his private jet to fall apart. She cried for them- for the future that was so close and within reach and for thousands of miles stood between them, a whole world keeping them apart.

If only she had spoken up…

Yes-, she was angry and bitter. She wished things weren't left the way they were, she regrets not finding the courage to speak up or the strength to say something- anything to make him stay or ask him to let her come with.

/

He had made her promise that they keep in touch but he hadn't initiated contact in the past six months and even though she had reached for the phone hundreds of times, even punched in the digits of his number, going as far as letting it ring once- she never fell through with it, opting to end the call before it even started.

She was afraid- scared that his feelings had changed with her absence and insecure about what he wanted in a woman and if she could be that for him.

She remembers getting the invitation and RSVP letter in the mail, opening up a bottle of expensive wine and downing it like it was water.

She recollects burning the stupid card with two doves and a bride and groom kissing in the middle and she regrets how hastily she had written "Decline with pleasure" in huge fonts and bright red ink and mailed it right away in her drunken stumper.

She knows he had received it. He has called hundreds of times, left her countless messages begging her to call him so he could talk and explain.

Explain what? How he had replaced her so quickly? Found someone else at the drop of a hat? Did he want to shove it in her face that he was still able to seduce and intrigue a woman?

Because she had no doubts that he was a master of seduction, she knows very well that he's charming and interesting and smart and witty- sexy and intriguing.

She knows because these- among many other qualities he possessed, is what made her fall in love with him.

Helpless and hopeless

She now understands what he meant by love making you powerless, she has no control- all of it is lost to him.

She sees him everywhere-

In the hat shop next to the bakery she has grown to frequent

When she smells the faint scent of a cigar in the air

Any man in a three-piece suit makes her heart race

Everything reminds her of him.

Everyday is a struggle for her to move on.

/

"Elizabeth," She hears a voice call beside her. She turns in her stool, following the sound in the hole-in-the-wall bar within walking distance from her apartment.

She chokes on her beer, "Dembe." She sighs when she finally catches her breath. Is she hallucinating? How drunk is she? She reaches over and clings to his forearm and proves to herself that he isn't a figment of her imagination.

She doesn't know what to do, how to act- she wants to hug him, tell him she's missed him, but instead she just sits there and blinks at him in surprise and shock.

"What are you doing? Why would he send you here?" Lizzie asks perplexed and confused before anger starts to boil in her veins.

"He's not man enough to face me himself, so he sends you?" She spits out in growing rage, "Tell him to go f-"

"Raymond didn't send me," Dembe interjects nodding his head from side to side, "I came here without him knowing." He adds.

She regards him for a moment, caught between sending him away and asking him to stay. In the end she gets up off the stool and embraces him. He feels familiar, sounds familiar and looks familiar- it's the closest to content that she has felt in months.

He soon takes a seat next to her and orders himself a drink after replenishing her beer.

"I can't make you do something you don't want to do," He begins after some time, "But I urge you to come to the wedding, it will put things in perspective for you, make you realize things that you cannot see or witness from thousands of miles away."

She lets out a harsh laugh and fights the emotions seeping to the surface, "You want me to come and be witness to him getting married?" It's a rhetorical question and they both know it, "I don't know if you're as dense as your boss, Dembe." It's her fourth beer and her tongue is loose and inhibitions are lowered to a new level that she doesn't even try to censor her words or feelings. "I love him. I'm in love with him." She confesses.

He regards her for a moment, tilting his head in the same manner as his employer and she doesn't know if she finds it endearing or upsetting.

"I know-, but he doesn't." She watches as he slowly stands up and throws a hundred dollar bill on the counter, "It is so nice to see you, Elizabeth." He gives her a genuine smile and it almost breaks her resolve.

"Raymond is a man who is in constant war and battle with his feelings and desires- he doesn't deem himself worthy of you so he will never be the one to admit the depth and breadth of his love and affection for you, that is why I urge you to not sulk in your misery but to get up, stand up and face it."

"But he let me go... urged us to separate in different directions…" She spatters helplessly.

"Sometimes you have to test someone. Not because you don't trust them, but to see how much they'll sacrifice for you. You'll also have to let them go- not because you suddenly stopped loving them, but to see if they love you enough to come back. If you believe that there is only one person out in the universe meant for you, created to fit your every need and desire, then you know that once you have experienced true love, it can never be replicated or duplicated because it was only meant to be shared once, by the two of you. So even though in time you find that you were able to let go, you truly never move on, because love cannot be found where it doesn't exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly lies."

She watches his figure until it disappears into the crowd. Now alone with her thoughts she lets the weight of his words fall onto her chest and contemplates what her next move is going to be.

He's more myself than I am.

Whatever our souls are made of,

His and mine are the same


	2. I Could Fall In Love With You

I could lose my heart tonight  
If you don't turn and walk away  
'Cause the way I feel I might  
Lose control and let you stay

If she didn't know any better then she would think that the images flooding in short foggy spurts were repressed memories that were fighting to flood the surface of her consciousness. But she knew what it felt like to remember traumatic events, she still can feel the thump of her heart beating a million miles a minute and the shakiness of her hands as they clutched at her gun right before she pulled the trigger. She can almost feel the beads of sweat form from her pores and trickle down her forehead as her hair clung to her face while in the distance muted voices spoke without saying because she's caught in a daze, a trance and then before she knows it, her pointer finger pushes down until the shot is fired and she feels the recoil of the gun. She looks down at her hands and muses, these hands have killed, but they also have saved.

And then, she sees. A vision, a memory not repressed but instead stole from her, tampered with and erased without her knowledge, let alone her consent. But she doesn't wish to hate him anymore, doesn't seek evidence in villanizing his intentions and she certaintly doesn't doubt him any longer because she's starting to see through his eyes- into his eyes and inside his soul. She feels like she's missing a vital piece, a part of her that is lost and empty- dead and there's only this one person in this entire world who can revive this part of her but he's thousands of miles away and soon she'll lose him to another woman and that's an imminent death that she couldn't possibly come back from.

She's stubborn and she damn well knows it isn't a pretty quality to have but she wants to be chased, wants him to run to her like he has always done and her heart constricts at the thought that he isn't available to her beck and call anymore. He once said that wherever he was and whenever she was in need that he would be there and for the longest time she thought she had him wrapped around her finger, she thought she came first, she thought-

She thought that she was the sun,

He, the moon,

She was supposed to be his world, and he was suppose to revolve around her. She keeps telling herself this and the more she does, the more she realizes how spoiled and cocky and full of herself she sounds. She just never thought she would lose him...and losing him- it feels like death.

She never thought she would have to experience these feelings, the heartache that burns so deep that her insides feel like they're lit on fire. Its more than a base emotion.

No, this isn't something so juvenile as jealousy, this is an all consuming, irrational and possessive need for his love and attention.

Obsession. Love.

Rooted so deep that it can't be ignored, it can't be erased.

Every fiber in her being longs to see him.

To turn back time and refuse to leave him. To speak all the beautiful and raw words that she held so secretly in her heart and not be afraid of him and most of all not be afraid of her own feelings.

Speak. She wishes she didn't coward in her own apprehensive thoughts.

She wakes for the second night in a row in a cold sweat. Dreaming within a dream of fantasies until the third night in which she wakes with a scream and a recollection that she isn't fantasizing at all.

She's remembering.

 

 

'Cause I could take in my arms  
And never let go

I could fall in love with you  
I could fall in love with you

Memories not repressed at all, a past that was erased to shield her from the present, from danger.

She finally realizes why she trusted him so soon. Why she hung her head in shame because of how easy it was to love him and how hard and impossible it had been to hate him. A criminal, a fugitive, a dangerous, violent, murderous man who she was drawn to instantly.

She understands why she was never afraid of him, why she found solace in his arms, why she felt a familiarity, a clarity, a commraderie straight off the bat.

Why he didn't scare her, why she could never leave him. Why she forgave him time and time again.

Why it felt like they were destined to be, like they knew each other in another life- because they did.

The look on his face when she admitted to him her fantasy. It all makes so much sense now, and she doesn't know if she wants to cry for the years they wasted or rejoice in the fact that she remembers.

She remembers.

 

 

I can only wonder how  
Touching you would make me feel  
But if I take that chance right now  
Tomorrow will you want me still

So I should keep this to myself  
And never let you know

I could fall in love with you  
I could fall in love with you

 

 

"I-, Raymond, I don't think I can do this." She can feel the anguish in her own voice, hear the fear and pain seeping through her trembling body as his arms wrapped around her protectively and his lips kissed every one of the tears that streamed relentlessly down her face. She can feel his breath ghosting on her skin, her mind recollects the shushing noises he made into her ear and the way his hands had caressed up and down her spine in order to soothe her shaking limbs.

"Its going to be okay- We're going to be okay," But he's only trying to be strong for her, she can tell now that she knows all his quirks. He's afraid. He's scared just like her.

Afraid she'll forget and never remember him- remember them, but he puts on a front so she can gather her courage and strength from him.

"I don't want to forget you," She says between sobs, "What if I never remember? What if my memories of us are erased for good?"

She can see the moisture building in his eyes, hears the small sniffle that lets her know he's trying his very best be strong for the both of them.

"Do you trust me?" He asks and she nods, "Have I ever lied to you, Lizzie?" She shakes her head no, "I'll do everything in my power to make you remember, everything. I won't rest until every one of your memories are restored. And when you are safe again, when we are safe to be together, I promise I will come for you, I will bring you back to me and we will be together again. I will make sure all your memories are restored again. Someday."

He thinks he's calmed her down and for a minute he thinks he sees the upturn of her lips but before she can smile, a wail escapes from deep inside her throat. "Don't wait too long, please don't wait too long. Please come back for me soon, I can't live without you, remember what you promised me, Ray. Don't forget what you promised me!" Her voice cracks as she pounds a fist into his chest and his arms tighten even more around her.

Her heart breaks all over again when she sees this infallible man break down with her. His body begins to shake in tandem with hers.

One of his hands travel up her spine until it cradles her neck, fisting her soft hair and gently coaxing her face from being buried in the crook of his neck, so he can look into her eyes.

"We're going to have that one day, you know that right?" The tremor in his voice sends chills down her spine.

This isn't goodbye, this isn't goodbye.

This is-, I'll see you soon.

Until we meet again.

She finds it hard to nod, but she forces herself to.

"You're going to marry me one day." She states as she rests her forehead against his.

"Yes."

Mr. and Mrs. Raymond Reddington, she likes the sound of that oh so very much.

"I'm going to give you babies one day." She watches as a wolfish grin adorns his face and she wonders if its at all possible to love him any more as her heart breaks all over again.

A vision of his Lizzie carrying his child? Norman Rockwell would be jealous.

"I had a dream last night that you and I were walking around a park and in the middle of us was our little girl, we were each holding one of her hands while she swung up and down every few steps."

She can't control the new set of tears and sobs that ensue.

"Promise me we are going to have that one day." She demands between choking breaths.

"I promise, Lizzie. One day, one day, I'm going to marry you and then I'm going to try and get you pregnant every chance I get, until you're sick of carrying all my children"

His ability to put a smile on her face even in the worst of times amazes her. "Never." She states with conviction, "I'll never tire of having your babies."

"One day."

"One day."

His promise is sealed with a kiss.

 

 

And I know it's not right  
And I guess I should try to do what I should do  
But I could fall in love, fall in love with you  
I could fall in love with you

 

 

Shock to the system. That's all she felt. She ran on adrenaline and an imminent need to face her clarity and face who she perceived for the longest time as the bane of her existence.

But in actuality he wasn't her destroyer, he was the man who promised to give her life. Her fantasy...it was actually his fantasy, their fantasy and she smiles between the tears and reflects on that shocked looked upon his face, now she knows that she wasn't seeing things, wasn't imagining his red-rimmed eyes and the tears that he refused to let fall.

And she wouldn't allow him to break his promise.

She would die before she saw him give the promises he made to her to someone else.

He promised that she would become his wife, he promised that she would have his children, but most of all he promised that he would come back for her and not rest until she remembered their past.

He has no right to be mad at her anymore, not for calling Tom, not for not speaking up, not for not remembering a life together that was taken away from her.

She's furious, she wants to grab him by the throat and squeeze him to death while simultaneously running into his arms and declaring a love that never died, that still burns inside.

How could he just give up on her? Why did he leave her?

Then it hits her,

What if he isn't in love with her anymore?

What if he fell out of love with her?

What if he's somewhere breathing a sigh of relief thinking he dodged a bullet and thanking his lucky stars that she didn't remember and that he was able to let her go without any guilt?

Her heart sinks to the floor.

She makes it all the way to his doorstep when this realization hits. Her hand grasping the doorknob when she freezes at the thought that maybe he didn't want her to remember, maybe he wanted to forget as well.

She hastily retreats when she hears footsteps from inside the house, frantically making herself scarce but he doesn't need to see her to know she's there.

She's just like the wind to him, he feels when she's near.

Red immediately gets a whif of her presence as soon as he cracks the door open. He knows that scent, has memorized its notes, has had countless dreams about tasting every inch of skin its applied to. And he knows she's near.


End file.
